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BigDUSA
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Ok this one is easy but it will take three or four thousand words to get anywhere near giving you an accurate insight. I will give it a go though..
Lets start with the presents first.
In order of priority.
Flat screen TV. Plasma is all the rage up country and you will really hit the jackpot with mum and dad if you replace the entire furnishings in one foul swoop. This means just the TV by the way.
Refrigerators, microwaves, and a new fitted kitchen will also go down well. In fact anything they can sell after you leave will do the trick.
Many make the mistake of taking mum, dad and all the relatives (the family will grow considerably by the time you are in town) to the best local restaurant for dinner. Mum and dad really hate this and think it is a waste of their money so give them a few thousand baht to buy rice and tell them to keep the change instead.
Toilet paper is a must as are good stout hiking shoes to find a quiet spot to dump. Be careful as Udon has an indigenous snake population of Cobras and a nasty little brown one that has a bite like a vampire.
Buy presents for the kids and watch their happy little faces as the presies are all lined up on the porch and the kids just sit there looking at the unopened bags or boxes. This is a funny little custom as it is rude for them to give you the pleasure of watching their beaming faces as they tear off the wrappers. They will either wait for you to be out of sight before doing so or mum and dad will have sold them within a few hours of you leaving.
Now to grandad. Even though he might have died 10 years ago when out riding the buffalo one day when the both of them fell down a well, you will normally find him sitting about 100 metres away waiting for you to go and find him. You will almost certainly be sent to meet grandpapa and will have to find your own way to where he is. The first guy you spot will be him for sure. Take cigs and a lighter and be prepared to give the whole pack to him so take some spares if you like a smoke yourself. This is a ploy to get you out of the way whilst mum and dad find out a little more about you from your tilac.
You will have course have left your wallet and cellphone in the very safe hands of your tilac. By the time granddad has smoked all your fags mum and dad will have cloned your ATM and your sim card will have run out of credit as they needed to call their other daughters that they will be referring to as investment trusts that are now living all over the world.
Like as not the whole family will make out that they actually like you and will not show their utter distaste for your western lack of manners. They will seem to hardly notice when you sit on the porch next to your tilac and hold her hand or show affection. They will even laugh as you play with the kids but don’t be fooled by this. Really they think you are an ignorant SOB who is shagging their daughter for money and not giving her enough. They know she does not work in a hotel as they sold her into prostitution when she was about fourteen and the old TV gave out. The 20K they got from the first bar in Pty that she worked in was a nice little earner and they did enjoy the all expenses paid trip for a couple of days by the sea when they took her there for the first time. After all there is no sea in Udon and that may have been the only time in their lives that they got to see it so don’t be too hard on them.
Now for the sleeping arrangements. This is probably the most unique and interesting (na-som-jai, remember this word which means “interesting” as you will be using it continually). Mum and dad are actually quite well off with all the money their little Lek has been sending them from the six guys and you that she always remains true to. In fact they have a 25-bedroom hotel a few miles away that is being looked after by the host of other relatives that are also living off Leks immoral earnings.
However to let you see this or even know of its existence would be counter productive to the cause so the ten of them have now moved back to the hut that was their home a few years before little Lek and her sisters went prospecting for gold.
They are not so stupid however as to want to spend a night in the bloody rat, snake and cockroach infested place so they will have made it look even worse than it really is. This is a real art but the whole village will have aided them and the third cousin twice removed and his family who have been renting the old joint will have moved out along with all their luxury furnishings, for the day of your arrival. The village already has a storeroom where the replacement furnishings are kept ready for the arrival of idiot trust funds who visit different houses many times a year, so its no real bother. The snakes roaches and rats will have been collected by the village kids the day before and will be released as the jungle drums warn mum and dad that you are just down the road and arriving shortly. Well you don’t believe that in this day and age you need to actually have these critters as boarders do you?
A few old coconut mats and a plastic chair from the local cafe is all that is needed to make the old place feel like home. Pile some smelly garbage next to the veranda ensuring that the wind is blowing in the right direction (ie towards where they will place that chair for you to sit in) and the job is nearly done.
All that remains is for the local plumber to remove the flushing toilet and replace it with an old toilet seat, which is hung on ropes from the ceiling directly above the now open hole in the floor. The whole village will pop by for a crap in the hole the night before you arrive to ensure that the ambiance is nicely obnoxious and has attracted lots of big flies and bugs. The final touch will be to hang yesterday’s financial times on a string and smear some syrup over the ceiling and down the ropes holding the loo seat. By the time the dioreah hits you sometime late in the afternoon following that slap up lunch of rice and a few bugs collected from the loo earlier in the morning the red ants will be marching up and down those ropes by the millions. Oh nearly forgot the spiders. Now no self-respecting loo would be without spiders and there is a veritable abundance of ones that bite in Udon.
This is a little more tricky as it takes them a few days to spin their webs. No problem though as they already have portable structures that already contain webs and can be carefully pinned to the walls complete with their eight legged monsters in much the same way as picture frames. In fact that is exactly what they look like minus the pictures that you will be told were eaten by termites years ago. Likely they will show you where the picture of great uncle Natapong used to be and tell you the story of this famous guy who was the first of the family to own a two legged buffalo that kept the whole village in food just after Pty first became an R&R resort for battle weary Vietnam vets with more money than sense and they were all loaded with sperm that little Leks mother and sisters milked from them along with the loot when she was just 15. Yes these are truly resourceful people.
Now you might be wondering how you are going to understand all this conversation as your tilac had only been working in the bar for less than a day when you first met her (yeah right) and had very little English. As she has not been working since she fell in love with you and you started to support her she has been back in the village looking after her kids. Yeah right.
She even offered to meet you at the airport to ensure that you did not get your rocks off with any other nasty girl and save you from spending any of her money. Then she had kept you up all night shagging to ensure that the jet lag kicked in nicely and arranged for the early non-air con coach to take you the 6 hours up to the village. By the time you got there you were really in a great mood and ready to give away anything.
I diversify. Back to the language barrier. To begin with in Udon there is no language problem as no-one speaks to each other. They just sit there looking at the spiders and grunting but this is no real problem as every village has its own personal translator and computer expert and he will be there in person to tell you what you want to hear. The family will grunt twice at him and he will turn this into an epic story lasting hours. You wont need him if you ever decide to go back a second time as he only has one story and what would be the point of hearing it all for a second time.
This guy is a highly respected member of the community and does very nicely as he sends letters and e-mails for all the village girls to their many tilacs overseas ensuring that each letter is slightly different and reflects the level of English that your girl has actually attained. Sometimes he will pretend to be a sister or girlfriend of your girl who speaks English if your girl has no English herself and will write to you every time she has a cold that looks like turning into something requiring urgent hospital treatment which quite naturally she is unable to pay for. When you phone her on the cell phone you gave her she will ensure that she has put the right sim card in ready to receive your call and sound really grotty with that snotty nose.
Don’t worry though they always make a miraculous recovery a few days after your money arrives into their bank account that you already will have the details for. Hospitals in Udon whilst appearing to be on the rudimentary side are quite obviously very advanced as they can cure all manner of ills that in the Western world would be fatal most of the time. It’s all in the local herbs I am told.
Anyway a few more jobs to do to remodel the family home and they are ready for your arrival. In comes the carpenter and takes off all the doors and fly screens. The electrician removes the air con units paid for by some nice old man of 75 from the US who was shagging your birds auntie 10 years ago and sadly passed away when he tripped and fell over the balcony of his hotel in Pty after losing his way in the dark because of the black plastic sack that had tragically fallen over his head when he woke up suddenly after having been asleep for two days after trying to trip out on the Rophonol that auntie had thought was cough mixture when she bought it from the local drug store. Well the police believed it so it must be right. This was really a terrible thing to happen and had affected the whole village deeply. In fact the wake, which in these parts are similar to a party, lasted for days. To cap it all auntie had only just married the poor old sod and the new luxury villa which had to be in her name because of Thai ownership laws had only been finished a few days when his new bride had suggested that a trip to see his friends in Pty should be made soon as he was not get any younger.
Sorry I diversify again but you have to understand that this trip is a very big deal for you and I am just trying to ensure that you are well prepared.
Still a little more to do before you arrive though. The nicely tiled roof has to be thatched over and bits of tin and cardboard have to be nailed to the walls to hide the nicely pointed brickwork. The sashes from the windows are easily unscrewed as they have been in and out more times that a dick in a whorehouse. The only concession to modern day life that will remain is the Satellite dish and a very old TV with a rolling picture that is owned by the whole community and comes out for special events like your visit. No worries they know there will be a nice new one there by the time you want to go back.
So down the dirt track you go passing lots of little huts that don’t look too bad from the outside. The amazing faces of little children with hardly any clothes on will be everywhere. In fact these kids eyes look almost too big to be real after they have all been subjected to half an hour with their heads stuck over a bowl of crushed onions. Some will smile at you in a sort of sad way and you will fall in love with them all so much that your hand will already be searching your pockets for the odd note. Then you arrive at the family home expecting at least a welcome for your tilac if not for yourself. You expect her children to come running out to greet their mother if she has not perhaps seen them for months and a loving mum and dad to hug their little investment like would be expected in the west. Forget it chum. No way. Thais do not show affection even to their nearest and dearest. Well not in public anyway. In fact it may seem as though she is not really welcome here at all. Her kids are probably out and dad will have made himself scarce also. No little family reunions for your little Lek mate. Her kids probably wont even bother to say goodbye when she goes.
You have to understand that in "Land Of Smiles" (yeah right), children are a commodity. They are produced in large numbers so that when they grow up they can support the previous two generations. Just like farming really. Don’t hold it against them though as the system works quite nicely and you are in fact the living proof.
For the rest of the day you are going to be bloody bored before you get those gripe pains so make sure you take a good book. Spray with insect repellent both before you leave the hotel and about once and hour for the rest of the day. If you actually make it though to dusk then the repellent wont be of any use as mossies in Udon are all immune from even the best formulations as well as being the size of jumbo jets. Mum and dad wont understand what you are doing when you spray as they don’t have mossie repellent in this part of the world and will think you are using some sort of deodorant which they also do not have in this part of the world. You may have already found out the latter by now.
On the very faint off chance that you were trained in jungle warfare when you were younger then your sense of adventure might not have deserted you by nightfall and you might even still be considering staying the night. Most however will already be on the overnight bus to Bangkok or will have paid the local taxi driver some extortionate amount of Baht to get the hell out. Nearly forgot. The taxi driver is also the carpenter, electrician and plumber. Unfortunately he cant mend in-car air con as none of the Udon taxis actually seem to have it working.
So lets assume you are the hardy type or are really not that bright and you decide to ruin all their plans and really piss them off by staying. Remember though they are not finished yet as you will find out.
By now you will have provided some baht for booze and a local take away. Your girl’s family will have also been joined by most of the village who have heard you are in town and will quite naturally want to share a bottle or ten with you. Correction there. Share your ten or more bottles of Mekong. Don’t worry if you run out as there will always be someone willing to pop down the 7/11 with your money.
Its great fun to be in these types of gatherings, as everyone gets very happy and lets themselves go. Lots of farting and belching makes for a great laugh. Plenty of deep rasping guttural clearing of the throat and spitting over the floor in exactly the place allotted for you to sleep beneath the big eight legged arachnid and next to the hole in the wall that the rat keeps returning to after trying to bite your legs. The sound of howling that is now all around you and coming from the shadows nearby is not wolves by the way. There are no indigenous wolves in Udon. There are however millions of half staved hungry dogs and some have rabies, which is quite a big problem still. This also goes for the cats so no matter how cuddly they seem do not play with either. A scratch from a playful cat should be treated with painful anti rabies jabs immediately unless you can manage to catch the cat or dog and take it to the vets to be checked out for rabies. This is what you should also do with your favourite tilac but not for rabies.
So the relatives are now all as drunk as skunks and you are as well. You have the runs and have been bitten by all manner of creepy crawlies. The 60,000 Baht that you thought would be plenty for the two days and one night is long gone and your girl has told you that she is going to sleep at a friend’s house because it would not be correct for her to sleep near you. Mum and dad are tucked up under their mosquito net and you are groping about in the dark looking for the blanket with the holes in that mum gave you earlier. As you try to move the six family dogs from your chosen sleeping spot you step on the end of one of the floorboards that the taxi driver loosened earlier. The other end of the board comes up and smacks you in the face breaking your nose and your ankle gets broken as your foot is stuck in the floor as you fall over when you black out. You wake up the next day in that amazing hospital with old iron beds that were reclaimed from a Dickens film set as the nurse bathes your infected wounds. The rest of your money that you kept for an emergency seems to be missing but then your tilac arrives to say she has it for safe keeping and promises not to leave your side until you are well enough to get to a hotel and eventually fly home. It is well known that these girls are all great nurses and do this for love whenever their fellah gets sick. Yeah right.
So was it worth it? Of course it was. Every guy should make the trip to the provinces and villages just once in his lifetime. Even PattayaPete has worked in the rice fields. Well for long enough to get the shot that is. Pete our intrepid explorer sidestepped the problem by building a f***ing house with air con by the way.
I tried it once but decided that the Sofitel looked a better sleeping prospect. Never again but it was na-som-jai.
Now you go and enjoy yourself POOLSHARK and make sure to take photos and make a nice accurate post when and if you ever get back. Hehehehehe
I copied this from Pattayatalk.com
Thank you, Hilly
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Thai Girls : Meet Sexy Thai Girls
Posted on: 4:20 am on Oct. 31, 2004
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caronte
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I think these kind of "upcountry legends" are really outdated right now.....unless you are bloody unlucky to fall for a real miserable TG, most of the upcountry families live in "decent" houses, half concrete/half wood....main living/dinig room, toilet and 2/3 rooms lined up on a side...plus the small veranda where you can sit on the large wodden table with short legs (btw, anyone knows the name of that table/coach?).
TV, refrigerator, microwave oven, stereo + karaoke system always there together with a couple of motorbikes and sometimes also a 10 years old pick up...
Or perhaps it's only me that I've been so lucky so far to meet only girls that had a good cash flow?
I wonder now if most of the girls I like are "japanese" oriented, thus more income than the avarage TG/BG, cuz I share the same taste as a JWB.....shite, MN got me psyco with this story....
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Thai Girls : Meet Sexy Thai Girls
Posted on: 4:57 am on Oct. 31, 2004
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buxeda
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why did my gf take me upcontry in her car and we shared the expenses?
el gringo loco 
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Sexy Bangkok Girls
Posted on: 6:17 am on Oct. 31, 2004
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MaximusNaughtinus
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What a croc a shit, like rtb said, why did you bother. Your ignorance and narrow minded views shining through some more. Keep up the good work of embarrassing yourself.
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Thai Women : Meet Matured Thai Women
Posted on: 8:19 am on Oct. 31, 2004
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StrayGypsy
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AAAyyyeee Mates !! you've been warned aplenty with this treasonous aforementioned article. You go upcountry with your Tee-Ruk your gonna get the Hollywood Facade Thai style and you'll surely loose all your debloons as so so befitting.
Oiwwee !!.... you stay by the seaside around the beaches in bungaloes or onboard in your cabins with yur wenches then but away from lustful maidens families from now on.
Hear me now ! or sufferthe wrath of marrying her entire family mates.....Butterfly On or forever be cursed and doomed as WESTERN MAN !! is.
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Bangkok Women : Meet Beautiful Thai Girls
Posted on: 1:58 pm on Oct. 31, 2004
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hzink
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Bitter, are we...?
Maybe someone else was right that you're letting this whole LOS thing get to you a little too much. Move on...
Harry
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Attractive Thai Girls
Posted on: 4:00 pm on Oct. 31, 2004
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BigDUSA
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I thought and still think it's funny. Tongue in cheek look at up country falong visit.
Some guys need to lighten up. This is a pussy forum that's supposed to be fun, entertaining and informative.
edit in
CalEden,
No she's from Trat, 15 K from Burma.
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Thai Girls : Meet Active Thai Girls
Posted on: 5:30 pm on Oct. 31, 2004
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CalEden
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Was the TG who burned you by checking her email on your dime from Udon?
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Thai Women : Meet Matured Thai Women
Posted on: 5:42 pm on Oct. 31, 2004
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LocalYokul
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hmm, I don't know any Udorn gals at FLB
I think Udorn chicks stick to BKK, but not exclusively of course, there are a few Udorn gals at Harley Bar in Pattaya
IMHO :
the sarcasm about the refitting of the house with old items, or even tearing out semi-luxury items is just a bit much, & of course untrue
the taxi driver probably REALLY IS the electrician, carpenter, mason, and who knows what else, at least he has some initiative and isn't sitting around getting drunk ALL day like his counterparts
the main excuse for you having to pay for the whiskey or beer is because they can't afford what they call "lao dang" red whiskey. Normally they would drink lao kao "white whiskey or rice whiskey". Just the stench of the stuff is enough to revolt you 
Beer is similar, most would drink Chang or Leo which most westerners can't stand
Even if you can drink Chang, you'll end up paying for it (for EVERYbody) anyway, and your TeeLuk will probably be the one twisting your arm & pressuring you to loosen up your wallet
Buying a washing machine as a gift is a waste of money, because they will still wash their clothes by hand, and only use the washer for the drying/spin cycle
As the author mentioned, a big screen TV will most likely get sold the week after you leave & ANYone in the family is strapped for cash (which is pretty much EVERY day)
I disagree that the relatives purposely piled garbage near the entrance upwind of your chair, they just do that normally, and I still can't imagine why they prefer throwing garbage into their own yard vs. collecting it in a container out back or elsewhere. Even pigs don't shit where they eat
The bedding in the hospital resembling a Dicken's novel/film is spot on, you can find that only 60 kilos out of Pattaya
I've read stories, maybe even here on BTF, about the guy getting a BBBJ to CIM in the same house with the relatives, only they were sleeping under the house while ma & pa were upstairs, but I think that it is possible some might make you sleep in a hotel & then cum visit you really late for a tryst or might even sleep separately at ma & pa's.
the part about the daughter being purposely sold into prostitution is a bit rich, while it does happen, most pretend to be working as a singer or hostess, or even in a hotel, and in a lot of cases the gal starts this career on her own
and the term is Nah Son Jai, interesting
Son Jai meaning interest & Nah meaning Face
so "face of interest"
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Attractive Thai Girls
Posted on: 6:11 pm on Oct. 31, 2004
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