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thewiz
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,
'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts.. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Attractive Thai Girls
Posted on: 12:59 am on April 9, 2010
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thewiz
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The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to
give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles. I hate needles'
the patient said.
The dentist starts to
hook up the nitrous oxide and the
man objects. "I can't do the gas thing.. The thought of having the gas mask
on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the
patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient
says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and
says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I
didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't"
said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to
when I pull your tooth."
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Bangkok Women : Meet Sensual Bangkok Women
Posted on: 7:39 pm on April 9, 2010
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thewiz
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woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0to Husband 1.0and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly underBoyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
_______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Reply
DEAR Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. Html and try to downloadTears 6.2and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0and Flowers 3.5..
However, remember, overuse of the above application can causeHusband 1.0to default to Silence 2.5or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0and Good Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
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Thai Girls : Meet Sexy Thai Girls
Posted on: 11:01 pm on April 9, 2010
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thewiz
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Baptizing A Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Sexy Bangkok Girls
Posted on: 11:09 pm on April 9, 2010
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thewiz
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SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Attractive Thai Girls
Posted on: 11:14 pm on April 9, 2010
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thewiz
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Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you,
it's only when you leave her a virgin.
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror is when both are pregnant!
Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm
When mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?
Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you?
To see if you really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow
You have to do it again with same perfection.
Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks
And then they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone
Is still getting screwed!
This week is Breast Awareness Week.
Spread the slogan.......
"We stare because we care!"
The saddest part of a man's body is his balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!"
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split
What's the difference between a bomb & a condom?
In a bomb blast, population decreases
BUT in a condom blast, population increases
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Bangkok Women : Meet Beautiful Thai Girls
Posted on: 11:16 pm on April 9, 2010
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ringthebells
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Don't mess with old farts.. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
___________________________________________
reminds me of Valetta!!
rtb
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Attractive Thai Girls
Posted on: 3:12 am on April 10, 2010
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Valetta
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Now now RTB this thread is for Jokes,not character assassination.
You have no idea the trouble I take to project a youthful image.
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Thai Girls : Meet Active Thai Girls
Posted on: 9:58 am on April 10, 2010
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expatchuck
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Give me that old time religion....
At the conclusion of a Sunday night service, the Preacher says, "Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar."
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
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Thai Women : Meet Matured Thai Women
Posted on: 3:15 am on April 11, 2010
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tezza
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The teacher asks the young class "Can someone give me a word beginning with the letter A"
From the back of the class Billy yells "Arseholes!"
Pretending not to hear him the teacher points to Susan, "Apples Miss"
"Very good Susan. Now could someone give me a word starting with the letter B"
Again Billy ahead of the other children "Blowjob Miss, Blowjob!"
Ignoring Billy the teacher points to Jan. "Butterfly"
"Excellent, now could someone give me a word beginning with the letter C"
Billy pipes up "c*** Miss, it's gotta be c***!"
The teacher getting flustered looks at Samantha. "Constantinople Miss"
"Thank you Samantha. Now can someone give me a word beginning with the letter D"
Billy with hand up yells "Miss Miss pick me, I know!"
The teacher thinks to herself there can't be any dirty words beginning with D so "okay Billy a word beginning with the letter D"
"A Dwarf Miss...........................with a big COCK and hairy BOLLOCKS!"
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Attractive Thai Girls
Posted on: 6:37 am on April 11, 2010
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