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thewiz
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Good old Paddy
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back & said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "How the hell do I know! Its your feckin' plane!!"
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I cant work in the friggin dark! " says Murphy.
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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread eagled & says "You know what I want don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!"
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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" & storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden, let's see how they like it!"
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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say "Crikey! There#s a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What#s his name?"
Mick replies "Miles from London!"
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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops.
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Thai Girls : Meet Sexy Thai Girls
Posted on: 2:15 pm on Sep. 26, 2009
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thewiz
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Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
'No', he just yelled 'April Fool!', so I shot the bastard.
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Bangkok Women : Meet Sensual Bangkok Women
Posted on: 2:25 pm on Sep. 26, 2009
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thewiz
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Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day,and you just need to take it out on someone,don't take it out on someone you know,take it out on someone you don't know,but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembereda phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying'Hello.'
I politely said,'This is Chris.Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear'Get the right f***ing number!'and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her,I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her,I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled'You're an asshole!'and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,I'd call him up and yell,'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,I thought my theraputic 'asshole'calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled'NO!'and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,'That's because you're an asshole!'and hung up.
One day I was at the store,getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMWcut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later,right after calling the first asshole(I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said,'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said,'Yes, it is.'
I then asked,'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said,'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked,'What's your name?'
He said,'My name is Don Hansen,'
I asked,'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said,'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said,'Yes?'
I said,'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up,and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea...
I called asshole #1.
He said,'Hello.'
I said,'You're an asshole!'(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked,'Are you still there?'
I said,'Yeah!'
He screamed,'Stop calling me,'
I said,'Make me,'
He asked,'Who are you?'
I said,'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said,'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,a yellow ranch style home andI have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said,'I'm coming over right now, Don.And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said,'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2.
He said,'Hello?'
I said,'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled,'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said,'You'll what?'
He exclaimed,'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered,'Well, asshole, here's your chance.I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 Newsabout the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.
I got there just in time to watch two assholesbeating the crap out of each otherin front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopterand surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work
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Thai Girls : Meet Sexy Thai Girls
Posted on: 2:39 pm on Sep. 26, 2009
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SHEIKH14
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes
one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins
to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical
abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast
cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Sexy Bangkok Girls
Posted on: 3:36 am on Sep. 28, 2009
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SHEIKH14
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Two Southern Belles were sittin' on the porch one hot afternoon.
The first had just returned from a trip to New York. She said to
the second Belle,
"You know, up there in New York, they've got men who kiss men on
the lips."
"Oh dear me!" cried the second Belle. "What do they call those
men?" she questioned.
The first replied, "They call them homosexuals. And did you know,
up there they've got women who kiss women on the private parts?"
"Oh Heavens!" The second gasped. "What on Earth do they call
those women?"
"Why, they call them lesbians. Up there, they also have men who
kiss women on their private parts."
The second belle nearly fell from her chair. "Oh Lady! What do
they call those men?"
The first Belle answered, "Well, after I caught my breath, I
called him precious!"
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Thai Women : Meet Matured Thai Women
Posted on: 3:38 am on Sep. 28, 2009
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james bond
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around he place. The monkey grabs some olives
off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his
mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy,
"Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his
monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me",
replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."
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Bangkok Women : Meet Beautiful Thai Girls
Posted on: 4:14 am on Sep. 28, 2009
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james bond
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THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED.
1.MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ
is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top(where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2.ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3.SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4.NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or
"I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful
you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
5.CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent
blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6.POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7.HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with
out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8.BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9.BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10.CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job,you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a
blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
11.FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12.PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13.BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14.NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go
for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15.SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a
block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16.INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17.SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution."
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Attractive Thai Girls
Posted on: 4:21 am on Sep. 28, 2009
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thewiz
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The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”
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Thai Girls : Meet Active Thai Girls
Posted on: 4:29 am on Sep. 28, 2009
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thewiz
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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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Thai Women : Meet Matured Thai Women
Posted on: 7:03 am on Sep. 28, 2009
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thewiz
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Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...
New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.
Why is $ex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later
Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise. Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Attractive Thai Girls
Posted on: 7:08 am on Sep. 28, 2009
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