"With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff."
"I told my psychiatrist that I had suicidal tendencies. He said that from now on I have to pay in advance."
"Good crowd... good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
"I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with."
"One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control."
"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."
"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning."
"When my old man wanted sex... my mother would show him a picture of me."
"For two hours... some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper."
"A girl phoned me and said... Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"
"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."
"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."
"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."
"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah... my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
