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thewiz
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Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients to operate on were.
The first surgeon says, ' I like to see Accountants on my operating
table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.... so it is easy to get everything back in the right place '
The second responds, ' Yeah, but you should try Electricians.....
Everything inside them is colour-coded.
The third surgeon says, ' No, I really think Librarians are the
best;..... Everything inside them is in alphabetical order. '
The fourth surgeon chimes in, ' You know I like Construction
workers......Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left
over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would. '
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed,
' You are all wrong... Politicians are the easiest to operate on...... no guts, no
heart,no balls, no brains, and no spine. In fact, they have only two moving
parts - the mouth and the asshole - and who would notice if you stitch
them back the wrong way around.
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Attractive Thai Girls
Posted on: 5:18 am on April 14, 2010
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thewiz
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Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'
__,_._
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Bangkok Women : Meet Sensual Bangkok Women
Posted on: 5:41 am on April 14, 2010
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thewiz
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Retirement.........different for everyone
One day, while going to the store, I passed by Lanark Lodge.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the
lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home
Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'
'Yes, indeed' she said. 'They 're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.'
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Thai Girls : Meet Sexy Thai Girls
Posted on: 5:48 am on April 14, 2010
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magnum
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... from the cockpit, some of these cracked me up pretty good:
________________________
EXCHANGES BETWEEN AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL AND PILOTS:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
______________________________
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
____________________________
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f....ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"
_______________________________
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
__________________________________
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,
ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
_________________________________
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German) : "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English) : "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English) : "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent) : "Because you lost the bloody war!"
_______________________________
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7... Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,” What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one."
__________________________________
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience) : "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly) : "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark. (pause) And I didn't land."
_____________________________________
While taxiing at London’s Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma’am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771... Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind... Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Sexy Bangkok Girls
Posted on: 12:05 am on April 15, 2010
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expatchuck
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Following along on Magnum's very funny airline theme..
________________________________
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans. I flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women..As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Attractive Thai Girls
Posted on: 1:15 am on April 15, 2010
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thewiz
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President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So our illustrious democratic President asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy?'
'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call a great loss.'
The room went silent... No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs.. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' says Little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be a damn accident either.'
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Bangkok Women : Meet Beautiful Thai Girls
Posted on: 4:26 am on April 15, 2010
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thewiz
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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the GOVERNMENT, this time I know I'm gonna get screwed
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Attractive Thai Girls
Posted on: 2:03 pm on April 19, 2010
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vox
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Guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender: "gimme 10 shots of Jack Daniels". The bartender goes "it's your liver, buddy!" and pours the shots. The customer takes a deep breath and downs all 10 shots, one after the other.
He takes another deep breath, wipes off his mouth with his sleeve, and says "whadda I owe ya?" The bartender, who's been watching throughout, goes "whoa, wait a second, buddy, what're we celebrating here?!"
The customer goes "my first blowjob".
The bartender gets a big smile on his face. "Well, hey, why didn't ya say so? Lemme give you one on the house!"
The customer waves him off as he pulls out his wallet, and goes "no, no...if those didn't wash away the taste, nothing will!"
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Thai Girls : Meet Active Thai Girls
Posted on: 8:07 pm on April 20, 2010
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thewiz
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A Ukrainian walks into pub in Vegreville and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Ukrainian explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Ukraianian smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
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Thai Women : Meet Matured Thai Women
Posted on: 9:23 pm on April 22, 2010
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thewiz
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An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
"How much you charge?" he asks.
"$100," she replies.
In broken English, he says, "You do immigrant style?"
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could
immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after an exhausting hour, they finish.
Tired, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
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Bangkok Girls : Meet Attractive Thai Girls
Posted on: 9:31 pm on April 22, 2010
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